Wednesday, January 6, 2016

2016 | Every Day

So it is the beginning of a new year, 2016, as I’m sure you all are very much aware. Since it is a new year and full of new beginnings, big expectations and what not, I thought I’d share with you something new. Something perhaps deeper than the usual fair. Seemingly random and off topic. But come here, sit with me for a minute and if you listen close, I’ll let you in on a few secrets.

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I never imagined myself making it this far. To be completely clear I never imagined myself making it this far in age. Not that I am at an age where I am old enough to question my next day, but I just never pictured myself making it past 28. Odds, statistics, geography, chance and circumstance and the like were never in my favor.

I have always felt young; although based on so many unarguable facts and hard life experiences I am not that young (however I still have quite a ways to go before seeing retirement). I don’t feel old, but I am at a point in my life where I have begun to question how old I do look. These questions and doubts arise due to many reasons and particularly highlighted thanks to the debatable interpretations of common everyday interactions, all leading me to believe that I no doubt look older than I may think.

For example, the other day, a petite early 30something slithered her way into the subway train and caught my attention. Post work and post workout, she was dressed in a a tight running jacket and form fitting, feminine defining yoga pants (is there any another type?). Despite her sans-makeup look (which by the way is how workouts should be) her beauty was still radiant and I was in awe. I offered a simple salutatory smile. She in-turn returned a shocked expression of disbelief before retreating quickly into a safer world behind her iPhone screen. It was a look I have seen before, on other women, and commonly reserved for leering old men.

Perhaps she was simply uninterested for numerous reasons, and/or none at all. All the same. All fair. She owed me nothing. Or perhaps she was indeed disgusted by yet another “dirty old man” staring at her youthful tight body with thinly veiled thoughts.

In the past that might not have been the case. On numerous occasions I would have been rewarded with a mutual smile. Which in itself is a memorable reward. Or perhaps the key words I am glossing over are “in the past”.

If you knew me in the real world, you would know I take pride in my appearance; making an effort to be well dressed and presented at all times, especially during the work week. Although I have often suffered from (what others have always also been jealous of) being underweight or just at average weight. I have only gained minimal “adult weight” in recent years, yet my BMI is in fact still where it should be, “normal”. I have always taken care of my physical fitness overall as well. Nothing exaggerated on either point, but in comparison (sad to say) to the majority of my peers (male peers to be exact), I have been the known as the one “who takes care of himself”.

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Where am I going with all this? Well, let me ask you a question. I am not sure what type of music tastes you have, but my musical tastes run wide. Within that wide net, I listen to some current popular music as perhaps you do as well. If so maybe you have even heard of this gentleman who goes by the name of Hozier.

Every song I have heard from him I have truly enjoyed as he has quite the unique, passionate, soul-filled sound in my opinion. (Any music buffs out there ready to dispute this statement, please save your arguments as I am sure you know what you are talking about and I merely speak to my current tastes.


 

One particular song is titled “Someone New”. Perhaps you have heard it? I was listening to it over and over this weekend and came to various life comparisons and the following conclusion. Should this blog have or be required to or just randomly be appointed a theme song that this would be it. 


There's an art to life's distractions
To somehow escape the burning weight
The art of scraping through
Some like to imagine

And for the record, it is more than the repeating favorite word that you will notice in the full lyrics, but rather the story message behind it. As an aside I am somewhat surprised he picked a girl to play to lead in his video rather than himself, but obviously that makes it all the sexier once you watch the video. 

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Again what am I driving at with all this seemingly randomness you ask. In short, coming into this new year, I am coming in with a deeper than usual retrospective. I have been here,
at this deep reflective state, before. Multiple previous times in my life in fact. All other times it seems due to several external forces. Forces that easily weigh one’s soul down. This time however it feels like it is more about me and my choices up to this point.  

Would things be easier if there was a right way
Honey there is no right way


I wake, at the first cringe of morning
And my heart's already sinned
How pure how sweet the love beneath it yeah
You would pray for him

Where do I go to from here is the question with the uncertain answer. The future is always a mystery, but broken windows force you to confront the elements head on. So much is in uncertainty, as each new year always is; yet this time around more so than usual. The only thing that seems definite is that this time around; the first time in so long, I am going into a challenging new year alone.

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 In case you haven't seen the video, here it is for you.
Enjoy it, especially if you haven’t heard the song before.

Would love to hear your thoughts on it or your thoughts on mine.No polls this time. The polls are closed, but the comments are always open.
 

https://vimeo.com/120973743

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3 comments:

Leigh Smith said...

Oh Enzo, your post sounds so sad and lonely. I would love to give you a hug. My advice, don't wallow too long in retrospective, it can drag you down. Embrace the years - they won't come again.

Our Bottoms Burn said...

May I suggest that her failure to return your smile had nothing to do with you. Those under 40 do not engage with those of their own age - unless it's by phone. Even sitting next to each other they look at their phones. It even worse for those under 20. The constant demand to be available for their chums on-line while ignoring those people in the same room.

Enzo said...

Leigh - I could always use a hug. Thanks!:)
Thanks for the advice.
Well, at least I know my writing still manages to carry my emotion.
Onward, tomorrow is another day, right?

Bogey - Thanks for that perspective.
You might be right in general about people absorbed in their phones. I look around the train everyday and the vast majority are using their phones in one way or another. It is a bit eerie.
As far as this instance, not sure that was the case, but I do appreciate your perspective.